Staggering among goats and grief

Daddy Blackbird #7

Evie looking at the camera while hugging a miniature donkey

The day after Steve was found was a Thursday and, through her own choice, Evie was back at school. This was a huge relief in some ways as processing that call from the coroner was such a monumental challenge for us all and not one I wanted Evie to be around.

I needed a moment to breathe. She needed a moment of normality.

School was where she wanted to be, where she could feel safe and distracted from all this awfulness.

On the Friday, the much-anticipated school trip to Butser Ancient Farm was going to be happening. It’s a place for people to learn through unique experiences - an archaeology museum and active research centre. As I was working part-time, I had already volunteered to go along as a parent helper. It may sound absurd now, but I didn’t want to let the school down, so I decided not to cancel.

Although my mind and body were in complete shock, or maybe because of that, we got up on that Friday morning, got dressed, got ourselves into autopilot mode and efficiently packed our little lunchboxes. We drove Ada to nursery and stopped for a moment as they gave us their condolences and offered whatever support they could provide over the coming weeks.

Next, we headed down to Evie’s school in our coats and wellies. Being November, it was freezing cold, I pulled my scarf up over my chin to hide my face from the chill, and as we stepped through the big blue school gates, I realised this trip would be unlike any other.